Family History | Graveside Stories

WHY I RUN – a short flight in the long run

by Janis Chaffin

Like several million other runners on the planet, I became re-inspired to lace the sneaks after reading Chris McDougall’s best-selling book Born to Run. Returning a sense of glee to the often arduous efforts of lugging too-heavy bodies against a lifetime of inertia and saturated fats, McDougall reminded us we used to run for fun. Before that, he makes the argument we used to run for survival, often outlasting our faster prey.

Many of the reasons why I run and haven’t stopped since restarting two years ago are, of course, personal. Guilt and grief head the list. Also, my boss insisted I actually take a half hour lunch break instead of inhaling my food while facing desktop deadlines. I really need to thank her for that.

At least that’s how it started – with a walk around the neighborhood, until it turned into a little prance – a chance to pretend I was a runner. My little loop took me through warehouses into family-filled neighborhoods, past an elementary school track, down a short levy path and up by the local hospital. After the first time I sprinted the last hill, I knew this was a secret weapon, my armament against bosses, authority, anger and despair. I could run away and take a trip and see nature and pretend I was a warrior and come back different and… feel better afterwards. Head was clearer, nerves were calmer, and heart perhaps a bit more kind. I began to anticipate where next I could explore and charted my adventures, gradually lengthening the runs until a half hour run stretched into two hours.

But the secret reason why I continue running six out of seven days a week along trails, beside cars, up hills, through sloughs and on beaches, barely shod, concentrating on each footfall while looking around in awe at the sky the trees the abundance of everything… why I never want to stop is because I get to do something I’ve always dreamed of doing; I get to fly.

Say what? It’s true! Eadweard Muybridge proved it in 1878, when, according to Rebecca Solnit’s fascinating book River of Shadows, former California governor Leland Stanford hired him to photograph his trotting horse “Sallie Gardner” at his Palo Alto track to see if all four legs left the ground at once. They did. (Apparently, the late Stanford would go to great lengths to avoid losing a bet!)

So, for every mile I run, I figure I fly a few hundred feet. Both legs off the ground, moving forward. And so, just maybe out of every ten miles I run, I fly a mile. From here to there. In the air. How’s that for fun?!

Note: I also confess to liking the neon brightness of current running apparel and don’t mind dropping two sizes without eating less.

A memoir by Janis Chaffin

December 2016

Part I

Why do some people feel like they carry the weight of the world around and others appear to float like sprites through life? Is there a worry gene, a needy gene, a greedy gene, a God gene?

Nature vs nurture is an old debate; it was the way we learned to question whether personality traits could be modified when I was growing up. Now we ask can those pesky natural tendencies be re-engineered.

So I have to ask, is there an OCD gene? Can we test for it? Modify it? Can we change our diet and eradicate it, chemically muffle its roar, or does the answer lie in behavior modification such as cognitive and dialectic behavior therapy or the ubiquitous re-emergence of mindfulness and meditation?

To some degree, everyone carries some primal superstition that in order to protect the world, certain rituals must be maintained, such as sacrificing sheep, virgins, first born females, etc. But why does it dominate the behaviors of some and not others? Does it lessen its hold over time? Are we all born with the latent potential for OCD that only presents when triggered by a traumatic event?

What does OCD feel like? I first remember being about five and having to wash my hands three times, shake shake shake, then tap the toothbrush down on the sink three times. Always three times. If my intentions wavered during the gestures, I had to repeat them. Start over until the entire process had been perfectly executed. Otherwise, I felt an inner physical tension too overwhelming to deny.

The gestures intensified and extended during my childhood until they became unmanageable during my adolescence. What pisses me off the most about it is the time theft. I could not read a sentence without having to flip the last two words three times, unless it didn’t feel right, and it never felt right. So I’d have to repeat the magic series of rituals until some sense of well being emanated from inside me. Or else? Or else, the whole world would crumble and all those I loved most would cease to exist. Nothing less.

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Part II-NEW DISCOVERIES

If you have OCD, the warning system in your brain is not working correctly. Your brain is telling you that you are in danger when you are not.

The best treatment for most people with OCD should include one or more of the following four things: A CBT intervention called Exposure and Response Prevention, a properly trained therapist, medicine, and family support and education.

Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) and selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors) drugs are first-line treatments but they take a long time and aren’t a 100% cure. These drugs target two neurotransmitters (brain chemicals) – serotonin and dopamine.

New research indicates a third neurotransmitter called glutamate could be involved with OCD also. High levels of it have been found in un-medicated OCD patients as well as in ALS and stroke patients. These patients seem to be missing the SAPAP3 gene. There are some existing drugs that have shown benefit for OCD such as Rilutek or Riluzole and memantine (Namenda®).

But a third, over the counter drug looks even more promising since it is easily available, cheap and has no side effects. It can benefit drug addicts also: N-acetylcysteine or NAC . It is used to offset liver damage caused by Tylenol OD.*

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PART III

This is the state of things now. But when I was growing up 50 years ago, things were different. Growing up in the south added another element to the shame and confusion I felt when I couldn’t stop succumbing to the urge to repeat rituals almost ceaselessly.

My parents might have thought they were helping by mocking my gestures and they truly were trying to help by reading my junior high school assignments to me when I was too anxious to finish a page myself. Nowadays, neither of those family responses is encouraged.

The types of adolescent therapy that were available are laughable in hindsight. When nothing helped, I simply stopped trying to treat the condition and just lived with it. I never thought about why I suffered these particular symptoms and resisted continuing the drug treatments that were given me then (valium) because I ended up just abusing them to get high. All these years later, my condition has gotten more manageable but still persists despite attempts at self-medicating with strenuous exercise followed by libations.

After so many of my loved ones died, I became less invested in trying to protect the world. Clearly it wasn’t working. So, after a bunch of life changes, I have finally decided I want to deal with it.

Based on today’s initial research, it appears I exhibit particular anxieties associated with harm, repetition, superstition about lucky numbers and washing and cleaning. Oddly (or not), my Dad died of ALS and was prescribed Rilutek which is also indicated for OCD treatment.

Chances are I inherited some parts of my condition. I recall my Dad saying he was so hyperactive he wiggled all the screws out of his desk in grade school and it fell apart. I too am nervous and quick-twitchy in my physical responses. However, the thought of taking a drug like Rilutek doesn’t make as much sense to me as the idea of some CBT therapy and perhaps a try at the over the counter drug N-acetylcysteine or NAC.

I must confess I am still terrified at the thought of ignoring my panic. I still don’t believe it is safe. But oddly enough, I am fearless in other aspects. I guess my warning system is indeed out of whack.

Stay tuned for updates…

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*Notes from International OCD Foundation Online Research:

“When scientists compare pictures of the brains of groups of people with OCD, they can see that on average some areas of the brain are different compared to individuals who don’t have OCD. Those tortured with this disorder are desperately trying to get away from paralyzing, unending anxiety.”

Types of OCD

Contamination, Losing Control, Perfectionism, Harm, Unwanted Sexual Thoughts, Religious Obsessions (also called Scrupulosity), Physical Illness, Superstition about numbers, Washing and Cleaning, Checking, Repeating, Mental Compulsions, Collecting, ordering, confessing, avoiding

One in 100 adults and one in 200 kids have OCD which could be more hereditary than adult OCD. There are no lab diagnoses. “Research suggests that OCD involves problems in communication between the front part of the brain and deeper structures. These brain structures use a chemical messenger called serotonin.”

For various reasons including shame, misdiagnosis, denial and lack of resources or funds, treatment is usually delayed ~ 15 years.

“The best treatment for most people with OCD should include one or more of the following four things: A CBT intervention called Exposure and Response Prevention, a properly trained therapist, medicine, and family support and education.”

Cognitive Behavior Therapy is indicated before typical psychotherapy, and in particular “Exposure and Response Prevention” (ERP). By habituation, patients improve when they confront what exposes them to the behavior, refuse to give in to compulsive behavior and commit to that refusal permanently even when exposed to great anxiety; over time, that anxiety should lessen. As you are exposed to more and more information about what seem to be real threats without responding to them as real threats, you train yourself not to panic over your brain’s false alarms.

Currently, drugs that boost serotonin work in high doses over time to help OCD symptoms but all have side effects. For adults these include:

Luvox (up to 300 mg/day), Prozac (40-80 mg/day), Zoloft (up to 200 mg/day), Paxil (40-60 mg/day), Celexa (up to 80 mg/day), Anafranil (up to 250 mg/day), Lexapro (up to 40 mg/day), Effexor (up to 375 mg/day), and “Tricyclics” (TCA’s): clomipramine (Anafranil®)

For kids:

fluvoxamine (Luvox®): 50-300 mg/day, fluoxetine (Prozac®): 10-80 mg/day, sertraline (Zoloft®): 50-200 mg/day, paroxetine (Paxil®): 10-60 mg/day, citalopram (Celexa®): 10-60 mg/day, escitalopram (Lexapro®): 10-20 mg/day, clomipramine (Anafranil®): 50-200 mg/day

New research is showing glutamate is involved with at least some aspects of OCD (see below). But these drugs must be supplemented with behavior therapy (CBT, etc)

NEW DISCOVERIES:

CBT and SSRI (selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors) drugs are first-line treatments but they take a long time and aren’t a 100% cure. These drugs target two neurotransmitters (brain chemicals) – serotonin and dopamine.

Glutamate also affects depression. “There are several receptors for glutamate; a particularly important one is called the NMDA receptor. Drugs that affect these NMDA receptors have recently been found to produce a remarkably rapid antidepressant response.” Ketamine is one such drug that yielded fast impressive results but is highly addictive. Further research into this area looks promising.

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RESEARCH SOURCES:

International OCD Foundation

What You Need to KNoW about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

https://iocdf.org/

(and also Psychology Today “Problems? I Have a NAC for That”)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolutionary-psychiatry/201201/problems-i-have-nac